Broken

I know it’s been a while since I last blogged. One of the reasons being that, for me, writing is actually rather hard. I have about three unfinished pieces on my computer even now. I think one of the reason that I struggle to finish a piece is because I believe that one of the keys to good writing is being honest. Willing to expose yourself and open yourself up to vulnerabilities, which I find hard to do. However, as scary as this may seem I find it is the only way to write. If I am going to take the time and write something I want that something to matter. I want it to somehow, someway impact someone’s life. No matter how small or insignificant it may seem to some. How can I expect for something I write to touch you if it never touched me?
So with that said part of me is very hesitant each time I begin to write, because everything I write has been something that the Lord has laid upon my heart or something that he has allowed me to see. Only I know exactly how that something made me feel. How it stirred the fire within me, how it brought conviction to my life. So I hesitate because I fear I will not do it justice. I will make light of something that was, at some point, so very heavy to me. I fear I wont explain it right or that you wont understand. Nevertheless, I write in hope that it will do at least a fraction in your lives as it has done to mine.
So come…sit with me for a moment or two and let me share my heart…& you may even get a laugh or two as I allow you yet another glimpse into “The Mind Of Mindie“…a silly little girl.

Most girls lie away at night staring at the ceiling planning their perfect wedding day. They imagine their prince charming, who he will be, what he will be like. Which Hollywood has taught us rightfully belongs too us. I’m going to be honest and tell you I really was never “that girl.” My best friend at the time, that was her dream. She loved the idea of a big family. The husband, house, children running around everywhere. That was what she wanted out of her life. At the time I found this so absurd. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around why you would choose (what I thought) such a limited path. Marriage right out of high school. Children, bills, commitment, responsibility. When normal girls saw a child they would say, “Awe” and mentally thought how they simply couldn’t wait to have one of their own. When I saw a baby I would say, “Awe” and mentally see a baby crying at 3 o’clock in the morning, diapers needing to be changed, tummies needing to be fed, doctors visits…well you get the idea. When normal girls saw a guy they could possibly be interested in marring they started picking out baby names. They saw their “boyfriend” with rose colored glasses, and saw the perfect life that was available to them. I look at a guy and I start making a pro & con list in my head. Calculating and analyzing everything telling myself all the reasons why it wont work out. Yeah, I’m a catch, I know!
SO, I tell you all of this to tell you I wanted something different. I didn’t want to be normal (which there is NOTHING wrong with.) I didn’t want marriage right away & even to this day I am determined that I will not have children until after 5 years of marriage. I saw other paths that were available. I saw ministry. Some had it in their head that their life couldn’t begin until they had meet their spouse. I had it in my head that there were things I couldn’t do if I had one. So, I was going to be independent. I was going too get a great job. I was going too move out the house. Make something of myself, and most of all…I was going too make a difference. Obviously I had a few lessons to learn & boy let me tell you that the Lord had no problem helping me learn them!
On the way to planning my “life” & thinking all the ways the Lord was going to use me. I felt like the Lord ask me, “What if I don’t choose you?”  I wish you could have felt my heart at that moment.
My Dad is a Pastor, preacher & a man of God. My mother, a choir director, a teacher, a companion & a very compassionate soul. These two amazing people I have in my life. Every day I thank the Lord for allowing ME too be a small part of THEIR life, THEIR ministry. So having them in front of me everyday, their shoes laying before me & me feeling like I am going too have to fill them or at the very least live up to them. Meanwhile the Lord has placed the question in front of me asking me what will I do if he doesn’t.
For those of you reading this may seem silly. You may not understand & that’s alright. However, for those of you who have had your flesh thinking it is something & the Lord having to bring you back down to nothing you know that it is a very, very painful thing.
After being stripped of all pride. The Lord telling me that there is nothing I have that he needs. That there is nothing that I can bring. No reason for him to use me, or to choose me for anything. I had to go & I have to stay at the place where I can say to the Lord, If you don’t call my name, If you don’t make me great, If my name is never known, if I never touch lives, I will serve you. If all you have asked of me is to sit on a pew & love you, I will. I am a broken vessel & broken I will stay before you. God doesn’t not need a star, he already has one & his name is Jesus. What God needs is servants. Will we be one?